Living with your heart

I believe that everyone will go through this one day: separating with your parents. This has two meanings, you leave your parents or your parents leave you. Recently, I went through a hard time. My one and only beloved daddy left me. He lost the battle. He didn't pass away because of cancer but respiratory system failure. That was a night which I will never forget. No matter what they say, I will never forgive myself for that. Do you have any idea how damn it is to send your father away? If it wasn't me, my dad would have live longer. If I didn't force him to drink, he would have survive.

On the 19th of December, my dad passed away. Before that, he was in a very bad condition and the doctor said that he will stop breathing at any moment. Because of that, my sister and I never stopped to look at him and kept asking him to breathe. Yes, he can still hear us even he's in koma. Suddenly, he moved his throat up and down so we guessed that he might want to drink some water. I couldn't tell whether did I force my dad to drink more water because if I didn't do that, he wouldn't have choked and passed away. We all got frightened and kept shouting to ask him to breathe and wait for my mom who just went home for a bath an hour ago. We didn't stop shouting.

There's a lot more that happened during these last few weeks. I really don't have the strength to write out all of them. What I hope for the future are: my mom will be happy with us; my dad could rest in peace; my brother will never ever keep anything to himself; my sister will have a bright future; and I can be a better person. My parents wish I will never be like my aunt and my grandma so from now on, with every decision I make, I will think from my father's side. I will live with my father's heart, do only what my parents like.