Him

I fell into that trap again. It's just a fact that I can't be cool. I wanted to be a cool girlfriend. A girlfriend who gives maximum freedom to her boyfriend, try not to get jealous at small things and be confident with myself by believing that I'm still a hot pick.

Is it normal to date only once a week? I got different answers from different people. It's just so me, I can never control myself for not living up to people. It may be normal, because some think that a stable relationship doesn't need to see each other that often. But isn't that only applicable to couple that have been together for years? They also think that seeing each other everyday is unnecessary. But deep down, I still enjoy the feeling of meeting my loved one every day. I'm such a super confusing person, you get me? Vice versa, some answers I got are that if you love your partner, you will never get tired of meeting him/her every day. But what if the relationship really lasts? Then you would have a whole life of seeing him/her! And what if not? Should you cherish every chance you have to see him/her?

What terrifies me the most is that I can never stop having the thought of giving up. I do hope it's normal because this is what I had the last time too. Just that this time is slightly different. I'm so not confident with this relationship because I don't get sufficient promises from him. You want to tell me promises are nothing don't you? Guess what, I'm just that easy.

I mean, how could a person accept me after I have confessed about my past? I am so not pretty, fat and always emotionally unstable. I also take pride on compliments too. I request more than usual. I request people to talk lies to me, to compliment me 'beautiful' although I clearly know that I'm not.

I do not want to be materialistic but isn't buying gifts to a girl normal? I have to admit that I love them but I can't just tell him directly like 'hey buy me gifts', right? When we hang out, I treat him meals more than he does to me simply because I appreciate his effort of sending me to places. But is he taking it for granted?

Today, he acted quite weird after we haven't met for a week. I can't help but to think whether is he ashamed of having an ugly girlfriend like me? Though he did try to hold my hand but I could feel the awkwardness between us. Is that a good sign or a bad one? I don't know. In fact, no one does. Also, I feel that he might started to build this relationship on texting rather than talking face to face because he never talks sweet like how he does on-line!

I have no idea what to do. Talk to him? Nah, I have known him enough to predict that he would just do exactly as I ask. Not talk to him? Then I'll constantly be emotional and unhappy like this. Break up with him? I don't want to be this childish. There is reputation involved too. Many of my friends know about him, I don't want to fail again. Honestly, I mostly care about my reputation.